the random musings of a crazed mom & artist
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We went camping this weekend- it was interesting because the campsite was about 10 miles from where I went to college. It was a bit surreal going back to that area- it’s been many years since I’ve been back and it was interesting to see how things have changed. Besides some of the obvious- like the Walmart is now a super center, the Tops supermarket moved across the street, a lot more big box (and small box retail- see TJ Maxx, Rite-Aid, Taco Bell), it was weird seeing some of the small changes. Bars that I used to go to had closed/ changed names. A few food dives had also closed.
First off, the Walmart there was scary- I forgot how many rednecks there were in that area. College is such an insular experience that one forgets that regular people also live in the area… which brings me to my next part… I think I spent half of my time in Walmart trying to see if I knew anyone in there- I dated a few townies and I know one is still in the area… aka the one who I dumped and really broke his heart- although I think I did ultimately make the right choice in that (he’s a super conservative republican now and I’m well, a bleeding heart liberal). So I was hoping I would not run into him, luckily I did not. Oh and I’m not going to deny the fact that I’m a bit heavier then I was in college (which considering I was maybe 110 lbs at my heaviest and now about 40 lbs heavier), but yet I am aware that I have the mommy gut and don’t go into public with my stomach fat hanging out of my tank top (as seen in Walmart).
I did have a chance to do a little driving around the village proper (got back to the campsite, realized something we bought was missing parts, so had to drive back to return it to Walmart). Yes, drove by some of my old apartments (cue Barenaked Ladies song now) & apartments of friends- thinking of the times of love, hate, anger, pain, laughter, tears, drunken moments and of the people I met. I remembered how scared I was at times- of just “letting go” and being myself- I spent so much time trying to be someone I wasn’t that I did not allow myself to become close to anyone at all. I had this fear that of people finding out that underneath that I was a fraud that I stayed aloof. Then I graduated and never kept in contact with people (until the evil of facebook came along).
Driving around I thought of the people who I knew and have left this world- seeing where Tim lived and where I knew him, watching him as an actor and person and knowing how I was better for knowing him. I thought of Kendra too- even though I knew her for the shortest amount of time (and again, lost contact with her after camp), she & Betty were such strength for me the summer I was a CIT. I did not get along with my CIT leader (my CIT leader was someone who ignored me and no matter what I did or how I tried to get her to see me, she didn’t and did nothing to help me grow) and Kendra was one of the people who helped me when my confidence was down. She made me laugh and I can’t help but smile whenever I think of her- I try not to think about her death because it was too sudden and too random, but my life was better for knowing her. The third person is almost the hardest to write about. I’ve been touched by suicide twice- the first time was a high school classmate (my school’s handing of that was pretty shitty and my long time anger after that was due less to losing her, but to how her life and death was handled). Jurgen’s death was hard to swallow. I did not find out about it until a few months had passed and my jaw dropped. While I was not as close to him as others were (He was on staff when I first met him and I did not work RAC shows… or date him.. /cough E) it was a shock. Here was a talented person who made the choice to end it- I understand what a shitty disease depression is, but… We drove by the home he grew up in and it was just unexpected. Had I thought about it earlier I would have stopped by the cemetary he was buried in, but I didn’t.
Well, now that I’m all meloncoly I’m going to end this and get the child ready for school.
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